The Bad Touch
by yukiislikesnow
Summary: Based on this relevant "The Big Bang Theory" quote, "How come no one ever told Kirk, 'Hey, get that thing out of my nose?" Sex is not always easy.


Title; The Bad Touch  
Prompt: Based on this relevant "The Big Bang Theory" quote, "How come no one ever told Kirk, 'Hey, get that thing out of my nose!'?"  
So 5 times alien biology got the best of Jim in bed and the one time...it didn't?  
Pairing: Kirk/various, Kirk/Spock  
Rating: PG-13 only guys, sorry.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek

**The Bad Touch**  
5. In theory tentacle monsters are amazing. Truely the creatures of erotic legend. In reality the tentacle creatures of Delvos IV are very tempermental and are more likely to castrate you than fondle your manly bits pleasently. Thankfully I got to see a Redshirt go down before I delivered my pick-up line.

4. For our first shoreleave we decided to beam down to a nice little planet home to very pretty lavender skinned humanoids. They spoke in clicks and whistles and so far, much to Uhura's chargin, only Spock can speak with them. But I didn't need to know the language to understand a dainty hand sliding up my thigh.

Unfortunatly, understanding the language probably would have helped me avoid a searing puncture wound in my leg. Apperantly Miss 'Click-ooooh-cliiiiick' reproduces by shooting her eggs into men's thighs with fingernail needles...Spock assures me that since I'm not of their species the little eggs floating around in my bloodstream will be filtered out eventually with no harm. Smug bastard probably knew all about their sex practices before we even beamed down...

3. Andorians look human enough. I thought, 'Yeah, they're blue skinned and have anteana but come on, how different could it be?' Much different! Those anteana's aren't just for balance and hearing. The men have little straw like things that come out and pour sperm into the women's anteana. I do not have anteana...apperantly she thought we couldn't be that different either.

2. You know how male birds just kind of rub onto the girls and spurt out semen? Well I figured that out when I was just a wee little curius kid in school. But somehow at twenty-six I just couldn't make the leap that an avian descent species would have avian like genetailia.

I'll admit that I miscalculated. I'm man enough to admit my faults. But she totally overreacted! I mean come on! What kind of sensable person just tries to cut off something dangling off of someone else?! Bones almost ran out of time to reattach it because he was laughing so hard.

1. Spock is a thing of beauty. Really, he's got the perfect mix of Vulcan leanness and human roundness. He's got those cute, barely there freckles on the bridge of his nose, and fingers sensetive enough to trigger an orgasm. I couldn't wait to get him into bed.

Things were going great, really, that should have tipped me off. He tried to warn me about something but I didn't want a lecture so I started sucking on his fingers to shut him up. Well, make him incoherent anyways. Then we finally got to the naked part. That's where I got confused. He had something remarkably like a vag right were his prick should have been.

But then he explained that it was retractable and I was reassured. Then he let it out...not so comfy after that. It was...prickly...like a cats I guess. He let me 'get use to it' without being offended. I'm guessing he went through the same thing with Uhura. It felt kind of like sandpaper...maybe to a girl that would feel nice. But me? No, no way am I sticking something with the consistancy of sandpaper in my ass. I'd rather not go to Bones with any more sex related injuries.

The normal solution here would be that I take the part of the 'man'. But Spock's a hybrid and as luck would have it he had internal girly part. Extremely fertile girly parts. The nearest condom is on Earth...pretty fucking far away from my bedroom. I'm not ready to be a daddy.

0. Rhythm beads! No, it's not a kinky sex toy! They are in fact a method of birth control that doesn't involve any sort of chemical or rubber. There's one bead for every day of the month. He takes off one bead a day and when he gets down to only glow in the dark beads we know he's fertile. Then he puts all the beads back on and we start over again. Green beads mean I can molest him at any turn and not worry about Spock turning into a pregnant volitle Vulcan badass. Glow bead days mean I have to restrain myself...sort of...I just have to keep my jizz away from his insidy bits...his lower insidy bits...

Spock hasn't complained. Apperantly this is the most action he's ever gotten, the only action, besides those few kisses with Nyota early in our mission.

But he did blush an interesting shade of green when Sarek asked what his bracelet was for...


End file.
